Would you rather be courageous or would you rather be a coward?
Sometimes... I’d rather be a coward.
This photo was taken in Vancouver, on Sep 20th, 2013.
The space between my past, where I am now, and where I desire to go.
Between the “no longer this” and the “not yet that” is a space I’m still learning to honour.
And as I live in this present moment, as I approach my desired future, I feel that I need to be courageous. Again.
Sometimes, I cringe when I hear people call me courageous. I think to myself they don’t know about the times I hide and give into my fears and resistance. That sometimes, this “courageous” thing they see so big and admire, I don’t even find “courageous enough”. That there’s more to me and in me than “just this”.
A part of me knows that I’m courageous.
Another part of me judges me for not being “more courageous”, and “further ahead”.
And another part of me would rather be a coward a lot of the time. That wants to curl up and cry. That wants to sit and watch Netflix, not for entertainment, but to numb and be distracted.
It’s safe to be a coward. It is safe and easy to not even try. To not ruffle any feathers. To not have to think about how would they see me, and how would they judge me. To not confront massive systems that stand beside me, behind me, under me, and… inside me. It’s easier to hide, to avoid all conflicts, to keep myself small, and just… repeat and stay in what’s familiar.
I find it so easy and safe to just sit and binge watch a show I’ve already watched. It’s familiar. It’s certain. I know what’s going to happen next. It gives me the sense of control. Or perhaps the illusion of “being in control”.
I’ve been writing my book for the past 17 months, and as I sit in a writer block, I know it’s because if I write it, and put it out to the world, I don’t know what will happen, I will lose all control.
As I step into relationships in this new city, as I allow myself to open the back of my heart to love, I will lose all control.
As I show up to put myself out there even more, write and post weekly, thinking of how people would read my words... I will lose all control.
I keep reminding myself…
That the path to a successful book, is the path of willing to fail.
That the path to nourishing and loving relationships is the path of willing to be heartbroken.
That the path to show up and speak my truth, is the path of willing to be rejected, ridiculed or judged.
That the path to creating a positive impact on the world, is the path of willing to say or do the wrong thing, and learn to do it better.
How willing am I to show up anyways? How willing are you to show up anyways?
Sometimes I'm willing. Sometimes I’m not.
Sometimes, I’m anchored in love. Others, I’m paralyzed by my fears.
Sometimes, I’m driven by fear, trying to prove something to someone, or trying to push through the shame of a productivity deficit.
Sometimes, I’m moving courageously. Others, I’m in stillness with what is, also... courageously.
Sometimes I move, fuelled by anger and rage to the injustices in the world.
Sometimes, I find myself feeling disconnected from my body, always in my head, solving problems that didn’t even happen yet, and calculating the past and my next move. Other times, I do find myself attuned and one with the universe. And not that I was not one with the universe during that time, I just forget. I get pulled by the fears, trauma and pain from the past.
Sometimes… I even wonder about how much “sometimes” there is. Shouldn’t I be consistent? Shouldn't I show up everyday no matter what? Shouldn’t I be productive? And once again, I find myself consistent with fear. Fear of falling behind, of falling short, of failing, of being judged...
The essence of the heart is courage, and when we allow the mind to guide us through life; we conform to global, cultural, and societal ways of being. We get trapped in the past mind that only knows to create and recreate past experiences. We run on autopilot avoiding our fears, or moving forward by them.
I’ve come to learn that it’s already courageous to just be with what’s present. Pushing through is not courageous if done disconnected and dishonouring to your body or your body’s rhythm. As I guide my clients in this process, I’m also on the same path of learning and relearning to move from love, from our evolved parts, from our connected to the universe parts.
As you approach your desired future. What moves you?
Are you moved by love? By hope? By joy?
The space between your past (self, relationships, body, business, career, attention, and dreams), where you are now, and where you desire to go.
The space between where we are as a society, and where we desire to be.
Between “No longer this” and “not yet that” is a space to be honoured.
That space, is this present and precious moment.
How do you choose to spend it? I’m practicing to choose love. To write this post as a radical act of self love. To choose hope. To choose connection. To choose to sit with my fears, judgments, sadness, anger, and offer them acceptance, perhaps a cup of tea, and just be there. To choose to be present with what is.
Pause with me. Take a deep breath as you feel the earth beneath you and the sky above you. Do it again, opening your arms, and inviting love in.
As you are in your present moment. What do you choose?
What is alive in you in this very present moment?
What words do you desire to speak? What actions do you desire to take? What rest will you allow yourself to be in? What emotions would you sit with and offer tea?
What do you desire to let go of? Who do you desire to let go of? Who do you desire to hold? What are you willing to say first? How would you express the truth of who you are a little more?
How can you honour your ups and downs? Your sometimes “this” and others “that”? The dance between go time and rest time? Coming back to love?
Name one thing. Acknowledge the “sometimes” of it all. And practice showing up in radical unconditional love to what is here right now.